Confessions of a Cold, Dead Heart
by lizabel411
Summary: Bella is a vampire, finally! But Edward is nowhere to be found. How does Bella cope with forever when she can't be with the one she loves? Sort of Bella's diary type of thing...
1. Reborn

I opened my eyes and the bright light pierced my sensitive irises.

Ouch.

I moaned and sat up slowly. Something crunched from underneath me. I froze.

Moving my hand cautiously, I grabbed whatever was under me. I raised it to my face.

Glass.

I threw it far away from me, clinking noises clattering loudly in the cave.

Wait, cave?

I looked around and found that I was indeed in a cave. There were obvious signs of a struggle. Blood was marked on the walls high above, as if someone had been thrown up there.

I sniffed and instantly a piercing burning swept my suddenly parched throat.

The blood was calling to me, dried and old as it was.

I was hungry. No, starved.

I gasped as I realized...what I had become...

The word was stuck in my throat.

"Vampire." I hissed.


	2. The Hunt

Truly, as I ran quickly through the forest, I became excited.

I was finally the one thing I had aspired to be. A vampire, yes! My memories were fogged up as ever but I was confident that I would reclaim them back in time. And soon hopefully. It was becoming a little uncomfortable going about without knowing what had happened in my past.

Wait, my past...oh god no.

Wasn't there someone...someone who had been with me? Surely my creator would have stayed with me, if possible.

Or not.

I had left the cave as soon as possible. I was starving and the cave was slightly frightening, like I shouldn't be there.

It was not where I wanted to stay.

So, after checking that I was presentable enough to leave, for I had my clothes on, I had run out of there like a freaking bat from hell.

My new strength felt amazing. But I didn't pay attention to that now.

I was on the hunt.

I narrowed my eyes as I observed my prey in front of me.

_Stay. _was all I thought in my mind. It was a small doe, no doubt lost from its herd. It wouldn't fill me but it was enough to keep me satisfied.

The doe froze as I ran full speed towards it. I could tell that it desparately wanted to move, its eyes communicated that very well to me. But it couldn't move.

I laughed with glee as I pounced on my first meal.

Blood, there was loads of it. All over my hands, my face, my hair...it was delicious...red was my new favorite color. But somehow, I felt, it wasn't what I really wanted. I knew what I wanted, sorely needed, but couldn't take. I wouldn't.

I wanted human blood.

I _knew_ that. But I would never harm a human. I wouldn't be able to live for eternity with myself.

Or with whomever had created me.

But _who?_

I couldn't remember...one of the downfalls to being a vampire: the loss of human memories. In fact, I couldn't even remember the transformation, how it felt, where I was, when it began and when it ended. Those important details were lost, if only temporarily, in my mind.

But I vowed that I would figure this all out. In the meantime, I would hunt.

I was hungry.

No one could stop me now.


	3. Meeting My Creator

After I finished feeding I tried to clean myself up as best as I could. I jumped into a nearby lake and swam deep underwater. I remembered that my new kind didn't need to breathe. It was more or less a habit. Plus, it was uncomfortable to be without the sense of smell.

I wouldn't be able to smell that beautiful red of my prey.

I wasn't exactly worried that I would just turn into a hunter and nothing else. I still remembered my name and who I was, for the most part.

I just couldn't remember my past.

Damn it!

I emerged out of the water and started running. I just felt like I was being watched. But by who? My creator? My love...no. He would have been here by now.

How I longed for him! His touch calmed me in the most unique ways. His voice was my eternal lullaby. His face, my dead heart leaped...I missed him.

I stopped running and sat on the cold hard ground. I was in the forest still. The green was comforting to me. I felt like I belonged here, no matter what I had left behind.

I ran a hand through my wet brown hair. Then something, a flicker, flashed in my mind. There was a room. No, a house. In the house was a room. Bright...yellow? I think it was a kitchen. I saw all four walls with the cabinets and stove...something delightful was cooking in a pot...I imagined it must have been human food that seemed so repulsive to me now...I was speaking to someone...maybe my love? No. The tenor of my thoughts was much too uncomfortable. It seemed like I was...angry at something or someone. Then a remembered smell entered my senses. I wrikled my nose in defense.

It was sickening, downright putrid. Why would I have such a thing in my house? Could I not smell as well back then as I could now?

Then the remembered word entered my conscience.

Werewolf.

My hands curled into iron tight fists. My instinct was to hunt and kill this creature but be careful to not let its blood spill into my mouth.

I growled at nothing but my tattered memories.

Why did I have a werewolf in my house? What was wrong with me? Who was it? Who?

Only one word, one syllable. A strange longing filled me...

Black.

Okay, so I knew a werewolf named Black. Could have been a last name. Was that my lover? A werewolf? Somehow I doubted it. Something, elusive, on the edges, was tugging at my brain. But I didn't have the key I needed to unlock...

These puzzles were annoying me. I needed to learn some patience if I was going to be successful.

_Snap!_

Instantly I was aware that indeed I was not alone.

"Show yourself." I blinked, frightened by the sound of my voice. It was so unfamiliar...and _pretty_. I had a feeling that it was different than before. More mature somehow.

The person stepped out from behind a large oak tree. I smiled.

It was one of my own.

"Hello, Bella. I did not come here to hurt you. I came here merely to...see how you were doing. It's been years since we've last...met."

And he smiled, his bright teeth glinting in the slivers of light the forest permitted to break through.

I stopped smiling immediately. I felt threatened.

"How...how do you know of me? Of my name?" I demanded.

He was still smiling pleasantly. There was nothing remarkable about him. His eyes were red though. He looked like he had recently fed from a human. I imagined the dark red to be sweet. I hoped to never taste it.

"Why Bella, don't you remember? I am your creator. I am James."

More flickers. More than before.

I realized that I should be afraid, very afraid.

But why? I was a vampire, one of the living dead.

He was the same. So yes, he was my creator...my killer in a way.

"So, you changed me?" I whispered, my beautiful voice breaking.

James sauntered towards me slowly. "Why yes. You wanted to become this. So, you got your wish. And so sweet was your blood. I bottled some up, just in case you were interested."

My ears perked up slowly. My blood? He still had some?

"Where?" I rasped urgently.

James smiled wider. "I have it on me, some. But are you sure Bella? I don't know if Edward would approve. I was planning on giving him some, a soveneir if you will."

I frowned, tilted my head to the side. "Edward who? Edward Black?"

James laughed and patted my head affectionately. "Edward Cullen, my dear. Come with me and I will show you the life you left."

I was eager. I took his outstretched hand and together we ran silently, swiftly.

It felt right but wrong. So wrong. But I was too curious. Way too curious for my own good.

"James...were we...lovers? I seem to have lost mine but I distinctively remember having one..." I was embarressed to ask but I needed to know.

James ran his hand over my face down to my neck. "Yes, we were." He purred. "I was delighted to change you. So happy that you wanted to be with me, forever. And now we shall live happily forever."

A flash of red lying on the ground caught my eye. I squinted and made out a body...female?

James cleared his throat and I was trapped in his gaze again. "My dear, you have a lot to discover. I will teach you all that I know."

I nodded, entranced, completely forgetting about the body with the red flames of hair. It seemed so unimportant to me now.

"I trust you James." I said to him.

He squeezed my fingers. "I'm glad."

Together we ran faster and faster until we were no more than a gust of wind through the night.


	4. Shopping

James and I had been running for a while. It had been a lax existence. James had made sure that I had little to do and was protected. Admittedly, I liked it. We had some good times. He made me feel loved and cherished. We kissed and much more but James wasn't much of a soul mate. He was nothing I had expected, he was much less. But I had never told him. I was sure it had to do with some de ja vu crap that messed with my head. My human memories had left me permanently no matter what I tried. I had accepted it, for now. One day I would be granted full access of them. Just not now.

James was away hunting. I had given him some space. I didn't like having an audience so I gave him the same choice. Also, our preferences differed dramatically. He was a 'meat eater' and I was a 'vegetarian'. This meant that he didn't curb his natural appetite. He killed humans and I didn't. I preferred wildlife over humans. It was that I didn't like or want their blood. I craved it. But I couldn't kill a human. I just couldn't. Maybe it was because I felt so connected to them. Maybe I was human, somewhere deep inside. Maybe.

I sighed and stood up from the tree stump I had occupied. I was dead bored.

And dirty.

I decided that it was time to get some new clothes. We had been running so long that my shirt was beginning to fall apart. I was more than a little worse for wear.

I started to walk towards the nearest mall, taking a deep breath. I was trying not to loose my nerve. I would have to breathe again but in a room full of humans. I would not kill them, I promised myself.

Oh wait. I had to disguise myself. No way would I not get noticed. I was a freaking vampire!

By disguise, I mean downplay my inhuman beauty. That was one of my many powers. I could walk outside in the sun without glittering and bleed human blood. That's why I thought that somehow I was still human. In my heart, I felt I was.

I entered the store and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Good. I was just your average plain Jane girl shopping for a pair of new shoes. No way would I get much unwanted attention.

I walked towards a young teenage boy who looked to work here.

"Excuse me but where's the shoe department? I seem to have...um, killed these." I shrugged.

He grunted. "Go up the escalator and make a right, or a left. Shoes should be there somewhere."

I smiled. Uh oh. My teeth were too bright. I saw his eyes change as they took interest in me. Shoot.

I wasn't completely strong enough to disguise my whole body. I could feel my control slipping. I needed to get out of here, fast.

"Thanks!" I waved as I turned towards the escalators. Maybe I could calm down up there.

I approached the moving stairs and gasped.

"James..."

He crossed his arms. "Isabella. What are you doing here? Didn't I tell you to wait outside for me?" His voice hardened slightly at the end.

I flinched but softened my face into a smile.

"How many times have I told you to call me Bella?" I teased.

"That doesn't matter right now. Why are you here?" He pressed, stepping closer to me.

I sighed as I gestured towards my body. "Have you not seen me lately? James, I stink! Plus, I need new clothes!"

His expression changed. "I'm sorry. I should have realized...of course you can shop for new things..."

He reached out and took my hand, pulled me close. With his other hand he traced my face, stopping at my lips. Delicious shivers went down my side but I wasn't scared. James would never hurt me, save for changing me into what I was now.

"James..."

"Bella..." He breathed, making my knees weak. His arm tightened around me. "Can you ever forgive me?"

I nodded. I had no idea what I was going to say. He had dazzled me yet again and he knew it.

"Thank you." He whispered. And with that he pulled me in closer for a kiss.

I sighed, parting my lips, tasting him. He grinned into the kiss and pressed harder against me. I could feel us moving backwards but I paid no attention as to where. He pushed me roughly up against a wall and I gasped. I went wild with need. I wanted him, now.

He pulled away from my lips and trailed ice cold kisses down my neck. I was going crazy.

"James..." I moaned embarrassingly. "We need to go. Now."

He nodded slowly, his tongue flicked at my earlobe. Jesus, he was good.

Without my permission, my left leg rose and wrapped around his hip. He groaned and reflexively moved against me.

I felt warm.

"Let's go baby. We'll have more fun elsewhere." I whispered into his ear before I bit his neck and dragged my sharp fingernails down his back. He growled with pleasure and pressed against my body harder. I could feel the wall crack behind me. We needed to stop and get in control of ourselves...but I didn't want to. I love losing control with James. He made me _feel_. Fire seemed to consume me and I bit my lip to stop from screaming. I pushed into him even more, needing to feel closer to him.

He was panting slightly when he drew back from me.

"No Bella. Honey, you need some new clothes and so do I. Let's split up and meet back here in an hour." He said when he got his voice back in control.

I pouted. But he had enough experience where he could turn me down.

"Fine." I huffed.

He handed me a silver credit card. I snatched it and stomped away. I didn't get too far when I felt his arm grab me around my waist. He spun me around and kissed me hard for a short second.

When he pulled back with a grin, his teeth flashed.

"You're glowing baby." He smirked.

I blushed and he caressed my face.

"I love it when you do that." He whispered. His breath smelled wonderful.

I closed my eyes and willed myself to go back to the normal human girl. It didn't take long. I could see the hunger in James' eyes.

"James. It's me, remember?" I placed my hand on his face. He leaned into my touch.

"I know." He sighed then and let me go. "We better get going before I do something I may regret." His eyes flashed as he left.

I let out a shaky breath. James sometimes got under my skin, making me unaware of my motions.

But I did love him a lot.

I think.


	5. Giving In

After shopping, James and I met up again. The former heat between us sprang up again, consuming relentlessly. James had to run before the humans caught a glimpse of something they shouldn't.

James had picked me up and ran us deep into the forest where are inhuman noises wouldn't reach civilization. Inhuman as they were though, I was sure someone would get the gist of it. That thought made me blush deeply and the fire flared up all over again. It was good that we were vampires because I would be so tired right now. I'd probably pass out from all of this 'fun' I was happening. Uh oh. Blush.

"James." I said firmly when he began to kiss my neck yet again.

"Mm-hmm?" He mumbled against my ice cold skin.

I sighed. "We have to stop now."

James laughed lightly, his breath icy against my skin.

"I mean it." I pushed him away.

He frowned then stepped back with his hands raised.

"OK, fine. We've got the rest of eternity. I can wait." He growled teasingly at the end.

I rolled my eyes and turned away from him. He was so childish sometimes.

James sauntered up behind me as I knew he would. He hated it when I got mad at him.

"Isabella?" He sang. He knew he wasn't the best singer in the world.

"Go away James." My voice dripped with annoyance.

He sighed and backed away again. "Alright Bells."

I blinked and sat up. Bells? That, ironically, struck a bell. Who had called me that before? Someone...human, I'm sure. Someone whom I loved very much.

I swallowed uncomfortably. I missed my memories.

James frowned and tilted his head to the side. It was so familiar.

"Bella? Are you alright?"

I shook my head quickly. I felt so confused, it wasn't fair at all.

James gathered me up in his arms. I rested my head against his chest and wrapped my arms around his waist. He kissed my hair and tightened his arms around me even more. I bet I'd be suffocating as a human.

Argh.

Humans. I smelled them in the area. I felt James swallow as the extra amount of venom appeared in his throat.

"No. James, no. You can't. We'll just run away." I whispered, rubbing his back in small little circles.

James growled deep in his throat.

"Bella, they smell so good." He whined to me. He knew that this would hurt me but he had been giving in to his sense for too long. It was harder for him to abstain this way.

"Please. For me baby?" I pleaded with him.

He looked down. His eyes were black with a little red around the edges. He was hungry. How had I not noticed that before?

"Just go over there. I'll be finished in a second." James murmured, his eyes flickering over to the new sounds.

"No." I whispered.

James looked down at me and examined my pleading face for a quick second.

"I'll make it up to you alright? Whatever you want." James told me hurriedly, looking up to spot his next prey.

My lip trembled and I could feel the tears forming in my eyes. Tears that would never fall.

"James..." I said one last time.

He disappeared as soon as my hand reached out for him.

A tear slowly streaked down my face.


	6. Settling Down

I absently brushed my hair in front of the mirror. I barely looked at my reflection. I had no interest in what I looked like. My face never would change. It would be forever frozen in time...there was no need for this mirror.

I sighed. James had insisted on getting a mirror for me after he had finished hunting. He wanted to make it up to me, like he'd promised. I protested but he silenced me with a kiss. I couldn't remember much after that.

Stupid vampire with his stupid dazzling kisses.

I stopped playing with my hair and laid the brush down gently. My hair would always be glossy and perfect. This was a waste of money and time.

Sitting down on the king sized bed, I frowned. This...wasn't right. It didn't seem right at all. I used to be so happy with James but now...I was a little depressed. I couldn't fathom the slightest reason as to why. James had been nothing but good to me and more. He respected my weird hunting style, provided for me...he even bought us this little house out in the woods because I was so tired of running all the time. And for some reason, when we passed this place called Forks, I felt a strong connection to it. I almost cried. I had to stay here. I felt that something of my past lurked here. Something that had hidden in the dark recesses of my brain. I couldn't shake the feeling. And...I didn't want to.

It felt almost good to feel this strange tie to this unfamiliar land. So green and lush and...wet.

Comforting. Like a drop of water in a sweltering desert, I couldn't get enough of it.

My eyes opened slowly as I heard James outside my door.

"Bella, are you...awake?"

I could hear the smirk in his voice.

I laughed softly.

"I am now."

It was our little joke. Whenever I spaced out, we referred to it as my own unique way of 'sleeping'. Of course, we didn't sleep. We couldn't. I may still possess some of my human features including the familiar blushes, but that didn't mean I had retained sleep. Sleep seemed to be something for the undamned. James felt that we were damned to this 'everlasting darkness'. And naturally, I agreed with him. I wasn't worthy enough for the joys of sleep. I never could be again.

James reached down and tugged softly on a strand of my hair.

"Hey, you gonna be here for long?" He asked quietly.

I shrugged. I was too lazy to do anything right now.

James nodded to himself and ran a hand through his hair. He walked back out of our room silently.

And I didn't care.

Not anymore.

That frightened me. What was wrong? What was missing?

I stretched out on the huge bed. It was much too comfortable. I _felt _sleepy. I just could not sleep!

"Why..." I murmured quietly.

I blinked, then sat up.

"James?" I called out cautiously.

There it was again.

It wasn't James. I didn't recognize the voice.

I hopped lightly off the bed and stepped towards the closed door.

Pressing my ear gently on the wood, I listened intently.

"Where is she? What have you done with her?" A voice angrily demanded.

A spark of recognition flooded through my senses. I _knew_ this voice. I just knew it. Or...rather, I had known it before...in my human years anyway.

It sounded like a sad angel. This angel shouldn't be feeling so...horrible. I wanted to know what was wrong.

I slowly opened the door. It did not squeak. I stepped out and immediately someone gasped.

James ran quickly to my side. I stared at him questioningly.

"Bella, go back in your room. I'll tell you when to come out."

I frowned. Since when did I take orders from him?

"Wha--" I started to say.

"Bella." Someone breathed my name. My head turned automatically towards the other voice.

I coud feel my eyes widen with shock and...slight recognition?

I could tell right off the bat that it was another vampire, no doubt. He had the same pale, hard white skin with purple shadows under his eyes that indicated a lack of sleep. He looked to be young, maybe sixteen or older. He was muscular but not overly so.

He was beautiful.

But then I noticed his eyes.

They were staring back at me with an expression that I didn't understand. Was it longing? Sadness? Dare I say...love?

But I did not know this stranger as he seemed to know me.

Then my hand flew towards my mouth in astonishment.

His eyes...never mind the strange expression in them...

His beautiful, piercing eyes were a strange gold.

Just like mine.

I had never seen another vampire who had eyes like mine. I had always assumed that I was one of a kind. I never knew that there were others out there who followed my weird diet as well. It was just that my conscience always got to me everytime I considered drinking human blood. I was that freaked out about it.

"Who are you?"

The angel's eyes became devastatingly sad again. I felt lost in them.

Before I could find my way back to the surface, James sneered at the vampire.

"You see? She does not know who you are. Go away. You have no business here." James growled.

I frowned at James. Why was he being so rude to the angel? And should I remember him? I wished I did. He seemed like a person worth remembering.

"James, quit being so rude." I gently scolded him.

James slowly, even for a vampire, wrapped his arms snugly around my slight frame. He buried his nose in the crook of my neck and inhaled.

I blushed. Why was he doing this in front of the angel? Oh well. It wasn't like I was available...

The angel crushed his hands into tight fists. His eyes went deep black. He looked terrifying.

"Why don't you go wait for me in the bedroom? Put something nice on for me." James whispered silkily in my ear.

I felt him pinch my bottom before he gently pushed me away towards the bedroom. I was sure my face was a deep red now.

I floated on cloud nine to the bedroom. I felt so giddy, never mind the angel vampire. I loved James, not him...whoever he was.

Did I?

I think I did.

"What did you do to Bella?" I heard the angel growl menacingly.

James laughed once. "I found her alone. We became fast friends, imagine that! Now she is my mate. So you can leave us alone now. I look forward to whatever she has planned for me...if you know what I mean."

A furious roar sounded throughout the small house. I hugged myself before quickly shutting the door and sitting on the bed. James would protect me. He wouldn't let the boy hurt me.

And then, the angel spoke the most confusing words yet.

"I won't kill you because that would hurt Bella. But one day she will remember and I will get my revenge on you. Watch yourself, scum."

I heard James walk farther away from me and towards the strange angel.

"I look forward to that day. I wonder who she'll chose to go to when she does remember?" James laughed at the end.

Then his voice abruptly changed.

"Now get out of our home."

Something glass crashed to the floor. A door slammed open, then shut and a growl was cut off.

I was shaking.

James opened our bedroom door a minute later. He walked over to the bed and hugged me close. I relaxed in his tight embrace. He was here, safe, with me. That's all that mattered.

"It's okay, baby. I'm here. I'm always here. Nothing's going to happen to you." James murmured soothingly in my ear.

I sighed and kissed his neck.

I felt him shudder beneath me. I smiled.

"I'll go change now." I whispered in his ear before easily breaking free from his secure hold.

James smiled with anticipation.

"I'll be waiting."

As I walked towards the bathroom, a question popped into my mind. I wasn't sure if he would answer it though.

"James?"

"Hmm?" His voice was muffled.

"Who was that? Why did he seem so angry?"

Silence.

I waited, still moving towards the bathroom but this time on autopilot.

Finally, an answer:

"That was just an old friend gone bitter. Seems like he lost a contest..." James' voice trailed off.

I nodded to myself, opening the bathroom door and stepping in on the cool tile.

"What was his name?" I asked.

James sighed. Then he told me.

"Edward."

I shut the door.


	7. Voice Inside My Head

Something occurred to me as I stood on the cold, tile floor. What was the big deal about Edward? It wasn't like he was anyone important. Sure, he was beautiful but I was taken. James had proved himself to me a thousand times over and then some.

I turned and opened the door. Walking towards the bed, I thought over the unexpected visit. Important or not, there was _something_ familiar about that boy. As I sat on the bed, I almost smiled. I can't believe that I had thought of the boy, man really, as an angel vampire. It made me think that I was not so loyal to James as I had thought I had been after all.

James stared at me with a perplexed expression that I did not understand.

I looked down and played with my hair for a bit. I would let him do the talking. It was only a matter of time before he cracked.

James sighed.

He cracked:

"Ok, so you obviously have no clue as to who Edward is, do you?" He asked me, throwing himself down onto the bed.

I was still as the bed shifted to the newly added weight.

"Am I suppose to know of him?" I asked in a quiet voice.

James stiffened. I could feel him becoming more and more nervous. It wasn't like him.

"Ah, no. That was in your past life. It doesn't matter now." He answered.

I nodded to myself once.

"Alright then."

I stood and walked to the bathroom once more as he watched me with newly guarded eyes.

"What are you doing?" James asked suddenly.

I didn't turn to look at him.

"Why I'm putting on something comfortable of course. Do you mind?" I replied with a sly smile.

I heard the rushing wind from behind me before I could take another step.

James gently caressed my shoulders. My shirt slid down a few extra inches. I felt a major human blush coming on.

"Need any assistance with that?" James murmured.

I smirked and shook him off as I gathered my bearings.

"Oh, I'm pretty capable of changing myself. Don't wait up." I turned my head slightly and winked at him.

I was sure he would be salivating now, if not before.

"Hurry Isabella..." A ghost of a whisper followed me into the bathroom.

Jeez...he made me shiver even when he was not there.

* * *

Oh...

Oh wow...

OH WOW.

I had never thought that it was possible to experience such pleasure after death. I had never thought of death often. I didn't think of myself as such. But I guess, in the true sense of the word, I was clinically dead. But if I had known that I could experience such joy I would have died sooner, no lie.

I clenched the covers closer to my body.

But James was having none of that.

"What's this? I thought you had gotten over being shy years ago." He reached over me to tug down the sheets. I allowed him to and revealed my skin to him without a fuss. I was not shy. I just felt...different. Like I had some unseen enemy watching us. But that was not possible or even plausible.

James slowly dragged his fingers across my stomach in little circles. I could feel a blush coming on.

I smiled softly.

"I..." Hm.

James' kisses dragged slowly down my neck and across my collarbone. He raised his face for a moment to quirk an eyebrow at me.

"Nothing, my love." I sighed.

He smirked and continued ravaging my crystal skin. His legs became entangled in mine once more.

All forms of thought sailed out the window.

I clutched his body closer to mine. I couldn't get enough.

As I closed my eyes, I pretended that I was dreaming. This was certainly taking on a dreamlike quality to me. But sleep was dead to me. Sleep and dreams were not a luxury for the cursed to achieve. I still retained some of my human qualities like blush and my blood but not sleep. Of course, I could always pretend and imagine.

And yet! A sound! A sound that sounded so misplaced amidst this passionate lovemaking. It was so agonized and piercing that I thought I would loose my mind. What soul could be so depressed and live to tell it?

I wanted to see what it was about but..._mmmhmm_.

I sighed. No.

I pushed up against James' chest. Even though he was much stronger than I, for I had passed my first year mark years ago, he responded the way I wanted him to. He drew back and stared at me with piercing eyes. I wanted to pull his face back down to mine again.

After all, we had forever right?

What better way to use your time?

So tempting...

"Yes, my Bella?" James said in the sexiest sounding voice I had ever hoped to hear. It was so deep and the way his eyes glinted at me...it was too much...too much for one person.

"James, oh..." I broke off abruptly for my voice came out sounding like a breathless moan. It was embarrassing to say the least.

Oh never mind!

And once more I drowned in his ice cold kisses.

* * *

I sat up quickly in bed. I tried to swallow but the venom wasn't enough.

My throat was burning with thirst.

I could deny my needs no longer. I needed to hunt and soon.

James stirred besides me, moving closer and pressing flesh to flesh. I shuddered as he wrapped an arm around my torso.

"Where do you think you're going?" James muttered.

I smiled and leaned over. I kissed his cheek briefly and jumped out of bed, streaking towards the closet.

"I need to get dressed so I can go hunt." I called back to James.

I heard him push the covers away as he started to join me.

"Good idea." James said. But he didn't look for new clothes. He just wrapped his arms around me again and pressed his cold hands against my chest. I almost fainted. Almost.

"James..." I murmured. "Stop it." But I didn't really put any force behind it. James just snuggled into my neck. He blew softly into my ear.

I shuddered slightly.

"You don't...really want me...to stop, do you?" James purred so innocently like he wasn't making me feel like I was on fire.

I swallowed and then frowned.

"No I don't. But this thirst is causing me pain, James. Please..." My voice a little stronger after I evaluated my situation.

James sighed and pressed one last ice cold kiss on my smoldering neck. He slowly removed his hands from my chest. Oh man...

"Thank you." I let out breathlessly.

James groaned.

"I'm going to take a shower." He mumbled before slinking off into the bathroom.

I smiled, glad to know that I had that effect on him.

"Take as long as you need. I'm just going to grab a quick bite outside."

James mm-hmmed in my general direction to let me know he'd heard.

I pulled on some loose jeans and an old tee before stepping out into nature. It was a little muddy so I was glad I'd worn my hiking boots out.

I closed my eyes and let the instinct overtake me. I sniffed and automatically my body fall into a crouch. My eyes snapped back open and I saw an animal standing obliviously in the clearing.

I smiled and took a deliberate step forward.

My next meal had arrived.

I let out a furious growl and launched myself towards the animal.

"**_Whoa!_**"

I stopped dead in my tracks at the sound of the voice.

Who the hell was all the way out here?

My eyes narrowed and my stance stiffened. The doe had gotten away and I was a little miffed. That hadn't happened since I was a newborn. Someone else had ruined my hunt.

I would find out whom.

Still.

Stiff.

Statuesque.

I felt like I hadn't moved in years when it was really only minutes.

I had gone stiff with stress. Eventually another animal had gone by and I had gotten my fill. But it wasn't my original pick.

Ugh.

James didn't know about my near encounter with another person. I still didn't know who this person was. The voice sounded familiar but not. Maybe I had heard this voice before but had never spoken to them...?

And the way my body tingled from the subconscious nerves running through my system lead me to believe this voice was very, very, majorly important. At least, that was what I was guessing and definitely sticking to.

My ears perked up as I head the door scrape open on the hardwood floor.

James was back from his...meal.

I winced at the uncomfortable feeling in my throat.

He still smelled like human blood. I would have to make him shower again.

-Sigh- And we would have the same old tired out fight. He says he's just following his natural appetite and I'm denying my natural right. Then I'd say didn't he ever think of the person he was killing and didn't that just burn your conscience a bit? Just a little? You sure? Really? Uh huh, okay.

This was becoming a very...odd and uncomfortable relationship. Like a teeter-totter.

I just hoped that neither one of us fell off.


	8. Missing You Whoever You Are

_As I sit in my own little corner, on my own, in my own, little chair..._

I sighed, thinking about those lyrics. It was sort of depressing. Even though I was indestructible, beautiful, had James, and didn't age, something felt so wrong with me! I hated having that feeling. It was like I had forgotten the most important thing imaginable. I mean, how the heck was I suppose to solve this puzzle? I had no clue as to what I was missing...or whom. I just knew something was _gone_. -Poof!- Just like that.

Man, this sucks. Feeling a little emo right now.

"Bella, if you don't stop moping right now I swear to..."

"Shut it," I said tiredly. OK, so I was emo. I hadn't snapped at James in such a long time.

Maybe that's what happens to couples who never argue. All of that silence eventually has to turn into something near the end.

Wait. End? As in, of the relationship? Ha ha, uh no.

I turned to look at James' stunned/pissed face.

"Sorry babe. I'm just...thinking, is all." I smiled apologetically, hoping to placate him.

James' eyes twinkled. Eh, it sort of worked.

Because that wasn't just a happy expression in his eyes. I'd have to pay for being so disrespectful to him.

"James, I..." I tried to get out before my face was ambushed by his lips.

Don't get me wrong, I love to kiss him, but this was totally bizarre.

"James?" I tried to say around his lips. "What are you doing?"

"Hmm?" He mumbled. He was caught up in the kissing.

That's it.

"JAMES!" I yanked my face from his searching hands and took a step/two back.

James tilted his head to the side. "What the hell? Bella, what's with you?"

I frowned. Me? Ugh, nothing. You? Everything. And it's so darn confusing I don't know where we stand right now. Ever since that stupid hunt I went on, something clicked...or broke. Who's freaking voice was that anyway? Damn my lost memories...But I swear, if I didn't feel a spark of recognition...I just know...that 'whoa' was someone familiar. And I don't mean familiar from 20 minutes ago. I mean, someone I grew up with in the good ole mortal/could-die-at-any-second-days. Henh.

I shook my head quickly at him.

"I'm sorry but...someone interrupted my hunt this morning. And this voice..." I paused. Should I say it and worry if I'd said too much?

James' left eyebrow rose. Intrigued. "Yes?"

"I know this voice somehow." Ah, screw it all. Throw caution into the wind. I couldn't die easily, right?

James' jaw hardened. Hmm, that's suspicious. Why the fuck am I recognizing these changes just now? Grr.

"Uh huh. Did you see the who belonged to the voice?" Damn, his voice was still so beautiful and clear. Wait, what did he ask?

"Um, no...? I mean, I didn't exactly catch...I was too surprised my prey had aluded me so easily. It was very fortuitous for the animal this time. But not again." I added the last part with a slightly menacing growl. I was all about getting the hunt. That's what the hunters do. And the one time I don't is the one time when I hear some past/ possibly pyscho voice that could probably be in my head. And I don't want that crap to be happening again.

"And why the hell do you care who it is?" I shot quickly at him. I was curious. Jealousy, big fat ass no. Mistrust...what, was I going to freaking rape someone in the forest?

James rubbed his hands together absentmindedly...Scratched his neck...Sniffed...all leisure-like.

Speed it up, James!

"I wanted to make sure that if it was someone I knew, I could throttle him later for scaring you like that." He answered in a sure, but dead tone.

I blinked at him. Just stared.

I didn't know him. Not anymore.

But I knew this person. God, I knew them.

_Who are you?_ I wanted to wail.

Things, apparently, change over time. Sometimes they change to something completely different than what they started out with.

This was one of those rare times.

James, a real oddity to me and me, a real stranger to myself. I didn't know me, didn't know him, but definently knew this stranger in the forest. And once I found out who they were, then the answers to who I was would be slowly revealed to me.

I just wish I knew who held the key to my memories and mind.

My sanity was in danger so I just hope this person or thing or vamp knows that.

It will be all their fault!

"What's wrong Bella? You look sick. And we don't get sick." James asked, frowning at me.

I sighed and walked away, shaking my head.

"Oh, it's nothing. Nothing you can fix."

His hand seemed to come out of nowhere, followed by his strong arm. It effectively blocked my way. I couldn't go anywhere now.

"Bella." He hissed in my ear before he roughly bit it.

I cried out in surprise mostly.

"Stop acting like this. I don't know what's wrong because you won't tell." His arms formed a cage around me, locking me in tight.

Won't tell..._won't tell_....

"You know this person more than you're letting on. Is it someone of my past?" The thought just came out of my mouth before I had time to evaluate it. James always seemed to know something more about me than I remembered. He usually had a lot of reasons backing up his choice to hide the facts.

James pressed a kiss onto my neck. Butterfly kisses, he called them. It was light, fleeting, only lasted a second, but the effect stayed on longer. My body wanted to turn into goo.

"Yo le deseo. Yo le necesito para besarme." I want you. I need you to kiss me.

I almost snorted. I was not going jelly legged over that. Even though his accent was perfect....

Snap out of it! He's manipulating you! You can't give in.

James planted another hot/cold kiss on my shoulder. Damn him.....

"James, stop avoiding the question." I snapped.

He stepped back from me, a smirk on his face.

"Fine. You're so sexy, I can't help it."

I rolled my eyes this time. So cheesy.

"Who was it in the woods with me? I want to know now! Rapido!"

"Same guy who interrupted us that other day."

I frowned. What was his name?

"Edward." James added for me.

Oh. Yeah, right. That name sent tingles down my spine. I didn't know why. But I knew damn well that Edward knew me and my story. If only I could talk to him somehow.

James smiled at me, oblivious to my thoughts. "Happy now? I am. Let's take this to the bedroom."

All he could think of was sex? I admit, I loved it too but there was a time to be serious which was now. He was definently ignoring that.

"You go ahead. I--need a minute alone." I mumbled.

"'kay." He said easily, pressing a kiss onto my hand. It burned, as all of his kisses did. There used to be a time when all I thought about was nothing but his touch. It was so new to me then. Made me wonder if I had ever gotten kissed in my previous life.

Maybe not. Or maybe I just couldn't remember.

Probably the later.

James said I was a really good kisser.


	9. Tell Me Your Name

**Christmas Release!: Merry Christmas ya'll! Here's a lil song from one of my friends. No copying!**

**"GO JESUS ITS UR B DAY WE GONE PARTY LIKE ITS UR B DAY WE GONE SIP SUM HOLY WATER LIKE IT UR B DAY!"**

**Remember the reason for the season!**

**Happy Birthday Jesus! Thank you!**

* * *

"James, I really want to know what that Edward character was to me. You know, obviously. But I wish you'd tell me. We're mates for life." I pleaded him.

James frowned, his hand lazily trailing down my leg.

"Bella, I--"

"Just tell me!" I exclaimed. I was getting angry. My form shifted and I turned into a vampire. My true form showed and was beautiful but I was so mad!

James' mouth popped open with shock. He hadn't seen me like this since the first time he found me after I escaped that dreaded cave.

I was loosing it and all for some man that I couldn't get out of my head.

It was so strange. I never cared about something so deeply like this before. James had never given me any reason to worry over anything. He had taken care of me all this time.

But he was hiding things from me. It was hardly fair. I had lost all my memories a while ago. It was never a pleasant thing to forget anything but I had forgotten a lifetime of things.

I was frustrated. No. Pissed. Yeah, that's it.

"James!" I growled.

He was still looking at me like I was the new Picasso or something. It was new but I couldn't revel in it right now.

James crawled closer to me, half amazed, half lusting.

"No." I stood my ground.

James looked unperturbed by it. He stopped and kissed my cheek.

"Fine. I'll tell you. Everything. It won't matter anyway in the end. You'll always be with me."

I blinked. Was that a threat I detected? No. It couldn't be. I was looking too much into it.

James cleared his throat, unnecessary, and smirked at me. I wanted to smack him.

"Look Bella, I really don't know much about your human life. Or your sudden death. OK, all I know is that that Edward guy hung around you a lot. Like a....like a stalker almost. I mean, he looked OK but he was really smitten with you. I don't think you returned the feelings. But anyway, there was another vampire, a bad one, who wanted your blood. You smelled amazing. Oh, how I know? Well I met you and him and his family when you were playing a little baseball one day."

"I could play baseball?"

"No."

Oh.

"You were watching them play."

Of course.

"I joined in and that's pretty much it for me. I traveled elsewheres. Lots of places....oh the Tower of Pisa was magnificent...."

"Back to the story of my life here...." I interrupted him.

He blinked and looked back at me. Then he smiled.

"Oh, right. So, I come back to Forks, where you lived, and see in the papers that you had gone missing. Interesting. And it was especially crazy when I find you, half naked, wandering around in the woods as a vampire."

When he finished, my mind was whirling. So, pretty much I had a stalker, didn't play sports, smelled good, and am a missing person.

"Was that real?" I breathed.

"If you mean, am I making it up, then no. It's everything that happened to you as human. I might have screwed up some details but I got the gist of it. Mind you, I met you much later in your human life. And it wasn't like I was expecting you to become a vampire." James shrugged.

I had calmed down greatly after that story. I was a little shook up but OK.

"How long ago was that?"

James frowned, tapping his chin like a dork.

"I'd say before you came to live with me...not very long. I mean, it was almost as soon as I came back from my 'round the world trip, only took two months, when I found you changed and all."

I bit my lip and looked down. I could feel my form shimmering, changing yet again.

James laughed out loud.

"What?" I asked.

He pointed at my hair. I glanced at it.

Whoa.

It was a startling silvery grey.

I narrowed my eyes. I was trying to turn myself back into my _young_ human form. What was this?

"You're an old lady, sweetheart. I guess your emotions are interfering with your powers." James hypothesized.

That was good to know.

I took a deep breath and tried again. I cracked open one eye. James was smiling with approval now. I must have gotten it right.

"Hey, you know, you still look sexy as an old lady." James crooned.

"Shut up."

"What? You do--"

Hours later, it was time for lunch. I wasn't sure how I knew this since time was so....trivial to an immortal. James just did what he wanted whenever he wanted. It didn't matter much to him unless I expressed an interest in a certain time. Like the day we met. I always wanted to remember that day. It was special to me.

"I'm goin' out now." I called, arranging my long hair into a ponytail.

"OK. Whatcha gonna force down today?" James called back.

I scowled. James would hate to abstain from human blood like I have. I had a conscience, he didn't. It was a dirt old argument; one that neither of us would give in to.

"I might scout out a mountain lion. I thought I smelled one yesterday before....well...." I trailed off. He knew what I was thinking anyway.

"Alright. Kill a big one for me!"

I could hear the smirk in his voice.

"Yea yea." I mumbled and then ran at top speed into the woods.

I wondered what I was going to find. Really, I had sensed big game in the woods, but I wasn't sure exactly what they were.

Recently, I had been having cravings for mountain lion. I wanted a challenge. With a lion, I would get one.

Plus, it seemed like there was a story behind this want. Maybe....no. Edward, was that his name?, wouldn't have anything to do with that. Would he?

I frowned as I jumped over a boulder wedged in my path. Now that I knew Edward was...something to me, I wondered if these things that I do, the drinking animal blood especially, were because of him. Or my past.

I sighed and took in a deep breath of air.

My instincts flashed and immediately I became...a hunter, a predator after its prey.

Bursting through the trees, I caught sight of a bear. Eh, not a lion, but it would do.

Then my head turned sharply to the left. Someone was--

"Arrgh! Man, this bear is so annoying! I thought it was suppose to be tough--" A voice snarled.

I tensed, prepared to attack.

The vampire, I assumed, ran through the trees and attacked my catch.

What? Not again!

"Hey! That one's mine!" I growled.

"Says who?" The guy's face was hidden from me but his body was huge and muscular. He could definitely beat me up if he wanted to.

"Me! Get off!" I yelled at him, taking a step closer. The bear had stopped snarling and was sinking onto its belly.

The jerk was draining my meal! Wait, I wasn't the only vampire who drank animal blood?

Why did no one enlighten me on this? James--

I narrowed my eyes.

"Turn around now." I said menacingly. Who was this jerk moving in on my turf? I'd show him to not steal my meal....

The huge guy sighed and turned his face towards me, his dark curly hair covering his eyes for a moment.

I was frozen.

A word...no, a name...running through my head...it was fuzzy......but becoming clearer....

"Hello Bella." The man sighed reluctantly.

My eyes widened. I wanted to cry so badly.

"Emmett!"


	10. Memories Anew

Needless to say, I pounced on him like he was my prey.

He finally smiled and lifted me up in a bearlike hug. I giggled and squeezed his neck that would have choked a normal person.

"Emmett! I remember you! Oh my God where have you been?!" I demanded excitedly.

Emmett looked sad again. He set me carefully on the ground.

"Around. I've traveled a bit with Rose."

My eyes sparkled. The one vampire who had hated me since she saw me and I was excited to hear about her.

"Rosalie! How is she? Is she with you?"

Emmett looked away into the forest. "She's fine. We're staying at a hotel sort of close by. I ventured out here because I smelled game and....you. And I couldn't stop from looking."

He hung his head like he was ashamed.

I frowned. Wait, what about the others? I distinctly remembered there being more vampires than these two.

"What about Alice and Jasper? And Esme and Carlisle?"

Emmett shrugged. "I don't know. Really, we all just wandered off after you...left. I mean, it's been me and Rose forever now."

My heart lept in my throat. Wandered off? Forever?

"Emmett...how long?" I whispered, my hand on my throat.

"Maybe a century. Maybe less."

I felt like blacking out. Instead, I felt my back curving over and my skin begin to sag. I was turning very old again. It hurt this time. I had never changed so drastically before. I felt a hundred years old now.

"Bella?!" Emmett was alarmed.

I closed my eyes and waved him off.

"I'm...fine." I croaked. "It's my power. I can change my appearance at will. When I get upset it gets out of wack."

Emmett shook his head and smiled.

"You would have the lamest power." He said.

I frowned at him. Then he gasped.

"Yeah." I said. "I can do invisible."

I blinked and then came into view. How's that for lame.

"Can you please tell me what happened? I...I don't know how I became...this. I really want to know Emmett." I told him sincerely.

Emmett rubbed his neck and looked around at the trees.

"I hardly think that this is the suitable place for..."

"Well come over to my place! It's a nice little cabin up ahead. I really need to know Em." I anxiously told him. I wasn't taking no for an answer. I'd do anything to clear up the confusion in my mind.

Emmett thought about it and nodded.

Yes.

"Follow me Em." I said with a smile and raced off to my home.

I couldn't wait. I was so excited and elated!

And James would be right there with me. Finally, we would both know my roots and my death. It sounded morbid and depressing but it was anything but.

Believe me, I was doing a happy dance right there in my dead heart.


	11. Knowing

I was smiling in the biggest way as I raced Emmett back home.

I was finally getting some answers! Maybe I'd regain much of what I'd lost when I'd changed. That was my tiny hope anyway. Alright, that hope was practically nonexistent. Really, I wasn't expecting a nice little story wrapped up in a bow. I wasn't! But an explanation would be nice, even if I misunderstood the whole thing.

We were nearing my home fast. I could even hear James pacing around, looking for something to do.

You get bored easily, living forever. Most things you've done over a hundred times. It gets old.

So I was ready to shout to the hills that I was coming when Emmett jumped me.

"Mmmgh!!!!?!!??!!" I screamed as Emmett's hands yanked my mouth shut.

What the hell was going on? Was this guy a liar? Was he kidnapping me? Am I going to get killed--again--today?!?

"Bella, we can't go to that cabin. It's not safe." Emmett whispered intently into my half squashed ear.

I narrowed my eyes. Not safe? I'd been living there for quite a while. We almost got no visitors besides the wildlife. And I knew he couldn't be talking about James-y. Could he?

"Emmett, lemme go!" I hissed angrily at him when his hand yielded a little breathing room.

"No!" Emmett hissed, just as mad, back. "James is a psycho and a killer! He killed you and took you from us! I'm sorry you have to hear it this way but that's the honest to God truth."

I wanted to cry. This was not funny! Why would he lie like this? Unless he wasn't. And then I would be the fool.

"I don't believe you!" I screeched hoarsely, my hands pulling at his hair.

Emmett didn't flinch. His golden eyes just stared straight into mine which were akin to his. I could feel the urgency that he was trying to communicate to me.

Oh God no.

"Emmett, please..." I whispered, brokenly crying.

I wanted this to be some sad dream. This couldn't be so devastatingly real.

"Sweetheart, I'm sorry. I truly am. But you've got to get away from him. He can't kill you now. He thinks you've lost your memory and trust him. But you don't. Not really." Emmett squeezed my shoulders even tighter.

"Isabella Marie Swan is your full given name. You like to be called Bella. You were super clumsy as a human. I doubt that you've completely lost that ability." Emmett smirked at this. "About your human family? Let's see. Your dad was Charlie Swan. He was the chief of police in..."

"...Forks, Washington..." My eyes were unfocused and cloudy. I was remembering a human memory. My sight was so foggy and poor back then compared to now! It almost hurt to look and remember my eyesight was so bad. But I wanted to remember. I needed these memories alive and back. They painted my story for me. Without a past, there is no future.

Oh jeez, I sound like some sap...with insight. I groaned inwardly.

"Yeah. That's right. And your mom was Renee Dwyer. She married Phil, your step dad, and moved to Arizona." Emmett took in a quick breath while his eyes darted around the mostly quiet forest.

"You, being so selfless at the time, decided to give the newlyweds time alone. Plus, Phil traveled a lot being a minor league baseball player and all. You moved in with your dad." Emmett explained quickly.

"And that's when everything changed." I guessed, moving my lips so very slowly. I felt my age all of a sudden.

Emmett licked his lips and shrugged loosely. "I guess you could say that. I wouldn't say changed, maybe...got better? I mean, you met us. And we loved you, still do."

He sighed suddenly. He had let go of me but I wasn't running away. I put my hand on his shoulder--a bird's touch.

"But we weren't the best protectors, so it seems. Edward always wanted to be around you--heh, you two were so in love. And Alice trusted you enough not to dabble in your future, which she gets visions of daily. Mom and Dad adored you and would let you have the world. And Rosalie...well, she held back her fangs long enough to see that you weren't just a bloody meat sack." Emmett smiled wryly and covered my hand with his.

I laughed quietly. I remember Rosalie. She and I did not get along. It was a treat to see us smile at each other, much less talk civil.

And Alice...tears pricked at my eyes. I loved her, still do. She was my sister and best friend. She was so tiny and yet full of fire. I wondered how she was now.

"Hey," I perked up a little. "What about Jasper?"

Emmett's teeth clamped shut together. Uh oh, uh oh.

I rubbed my thumb over Emmett's large hand. Please don't tell me Jasper's...gone.

"Em, I need to know." I told him gently with a kind gaze.

Emmett shook himself out of it and nodded at me. I was going to get something, at least.

I wasn't sure if I'd like to hear it.

No.

I knew I wasn't going to like hearing this. A century had passed since the whole family was back together. Since I was...human and happy.

…since I had been with Edward.

Emmett shook his curly head hard.

"No. I can't talk about that now. Not out here. Be glad that I said anything." Emmett forced out. His voice was hard. He was hiding so much under that tough exterior.

I coughed, just because I felt awkward now.

"OK. Let's just talk about something else....like Edward for example. I just recently found out about him. I think he even dropped in and argued with James." I frowned, thinking about that day. I hadn't liked it too much.

"I know you said that Edward always wanted to be around me. Did I want to be around him? Were we together? Dating? Married? Oh God, please don't tell me I've been cheating on my husband for a century. He'll never forgive me!" I started to hyperventilate.

And Emmett was laughing at me. Meany.

I was trying to hold back a grin when Emmett finally got a hold of himself.

He rolled his neck. "Yea yea. You two were a cute couple, a vampire and human girl. It was...odd, strange to say the least. But love knoweth no bounds I suppose."

I scrunched up my nose.

"Hold up. I was a human while he was a vampire? How is that even possible? That's more preposterous than drinking animal blood!" I exclaimed, hands in the air. Was he crazy!?

"That's what I said." Emmett muttered to himself.

"Then how..."

"Love. You two were so wrapped up in each other, it didn't matter what species you guys were from. It's another one of those things where you just gotta let it be, ya know?"

I nodded slowly, not completely convinced. If we were as close as Emmett said we were, then I couldn't even imagine how Edward must have felt when I was all wrapped up in James' arms.

But I had another question.

"Yes, I see that the love was strong. But why would Edward choose a human? That's way too tempting to have such a snack nearby." I reasoned.

Emmett shrugged. "One whiff of you and Edward wanted to kill you at school. At first. But then, he resisted. Sure, he fled to Alaska at first but he came back and was strong. But you were too interesting for him to leave alone. Add in the fact that you're the one girl his powers don't work on and....wah la! Instant couple. It turned into true love."

Emmett paused here, thoughtful. "Hmm. But then again, nothing really changed. You loved Edward the moment you laid eyes on him. I think it was the same for my brother too, once the bloodlust wore off. And boy, it was fun betting on you two!" He chortled at this, no doubt thinking of all the winnings he had ever received.

OK. So I understood a little (a lot) more than I did, say, five minutes ago.

I wanted to make things right.

There were so many loose ends left. I got the gist of what I had to do. Hopefully, Emmett would be my guide if he could.

At this, I turned to him.

"Please Emmett. I have to see the family again. Maybe more of my memories will return to me. I know it's a slim chance but it's there! We have to get everyone back together again." I begged him. I think I would have even gotten down on my knees if I knew for sure that that brown/black stuff wasn't oozing crap.

I looked up at Emmett's big face. He didn't look hopeful at all. In fact, he looked weak to me.

"And this time, I will help you." I added on a promise. I bet that Em had tried to have many a reunion with the Cullens. No one would give. And I'm sure Rose enjoyed the quiet she had to herself for a nice century.

It had been Emmett all by himself.

Not any longer.

Sorry Rose, but it's about to get crazy up in here.

Emmett's eyes were smiling down on me while the rest of his face said to give it up. I wouldn't. I would fight for my fam. They needed to get over themselves. Emmett found me and I'm assuming this would be enough to convince them.

If not, then something was seriously messed up. The thought made me worry more about Jasper. Something was wrong in that department.

And Edward...I wanted to see him again so badly.

And I had to make James pay for what he did. I wasn't sure what my heart was telling my brain about him. Bad news? Sort of? Is it all in the past?

I was so confused, heartaches and headaches all around.

Would my mind break free and enlighten me on what the truth really was?

I was praying it would.


	12. Starting Over

"So, you've got the plan?" Emmett asked me for about the one billionth time in the last four seconds.

My hand twitched, so ready to slap him.

"Yes yes. Now, get lost already! James will be wary enough when he smells you on me. I don't want a full blown fight escalating when he finds you!" I hissed at Em.

Emmett's face cracked into a bright smile, the first one, I'm sure, in months.

"You'll be just fine." Em assured me, which I really didn't need. Maybe he was reassuring himself. The last time he saw me, I was a weak and clumsy human.

He ain't seen nothing yet.

The plan was to escape from this forest and leave James none the wiser. At least, that was the bottom line.

Really, this would be harder to carry out than planned. James was very...possessive. Now I knew why. He wasn't giving me up to the Cullens. His guard was always up to a crazy paranoid level. The only time I was really out of his sight was when we hunted our separate ways and choices. I had just fed so it'd be a while to get that opportunity again.

Of course, I'd think of another way.

But what Emmett was worried about, and me too, was if I was really in it. My memories weren't completely mended and mostly they were obscure glances into a life I had forgotten. If I didn't believe in Em so much, I might have just dismissed the whole thing. Then the Cullens would never reunite and be broken up for the rest of their forever.

I didn't even want to think about how Edward would feel with zero hope of getting me back.

Also, I was practically gnawing my lip off over the fact that Emmett's scent was all over me. How would I explain another vampire's smell wrapping me as tightly as a cocoon? James would assume the worst. He would be furious as soon as I stepped near the cabin.

I had to put on my best actor face and lie like my life depended on it.

It would be hard because I never once hid something from James before. It was always him who kept the secrets.

My God, now I knew the gist of what that idiot kept from me. I was having a hard time calming myself down at the moment.

I let out a gust of air and shook my arms out.

"C'mon Bella. This is for all that you've lost." I reminded myself quietly.

Emmett squeezed my shoulder before disappearing silently.

I stared in the direction he ran. I really hoped that I'd be running with him soon.

Or that he'd come back.

I snapped out of it and took one step towards the cabin.

Immediately, my form began to change. I was so weak and skinny and I felt like I would collapse at any moment.

"Dammit." I rasped angrily. I hated it when my powers mirrored my emotions. And it hurt when I was so vulnerable like this. It wasn't easy to hurt a vampire.

I shut my heavy eyes and focused.

_Be brave, be strong, most importantly, be all that you can be...._

I clenched my open palms into fists as I felt myself change back to normal. It tired me out, doing this.

But it was a good excuse. Hmm...

I decided to keep my eyes closed and run towards the cabin. I knew the route by heart so it'd be easy. Also, I wouldn't get scared when I saw the cabin appear because I would see it.

I am so smart.

* * *

"Bella! Is that you?"

I stiffened as James appeared quite literally out of nowhere.

He examined me closely, searching for any imperfections on my skin that would alert him to something amiss. He didn't seem to find anything, though he took longer than usual.

He was such a pig.

"My love, who were you talking to?" James asked smoothly as he guided me back into the cabin.

I coughed.

"I really am out of it, James. I can't control my power and I feel awful. Please can we just sleep?" I put on my best 'sick' voice.

James immediately softened at my request. He knew what my power did to me. It was one of the few things that made me seem sick.

"Of course, Bella. Let's 'sleep'." He winked at me.

I refrained from rolling my eyes. He'd get what I really meant in a minute.

I yawned and put a hand to my mouth. "'Scuse me."

James' mouth turned down at the corners. I tried not to smile.

"Maybe I'll get you something to eat? And I mean real food. Your diet is probably what's causing your sickness. I told you that..."

I held up my hand. I was not going to put someones innocent life in danger just so I could escape. There was no way I'd do that.

"No. I told _you_ that my diet was healthier for me and the living. Don't you dare go off and kill for me! You know how I feel about that!" I growled at him, my body visibly growing bigger.

James put his hands up in surrender. "I know, I know! I didn't mean it. Please, calm down. You know I hate it when you morph into some macho dude. It's just not right." He whined at me.

I deflated myself and slammed the bedroom door behind me. I couldn't stand the sight of his face anymore! I was ready to barf.

So I had really been living and loving my killer this whole time.

I shuddered.

It was sick. Damn it all that I had lost my memory!

But what was lost could always be found, right? I was banking on that theory.

I laid in bed, just staring at the wall, for what could have been hours. As a vampire set for eternity, time didn't really matter to me that much so I didn't keep track of it very often. But I wondered how long it would be until my mind healed and I'd be with the people I belonged with.

A knock startled me out of my thoughts.

I frowned as I sat up, not really wanting to talk to James.

"Yes?" I called anyway.

"Can I come in?"

Be nice.

"Of course."

James slowly, for a vampire, opened the door and sauntered in. He looked like he was searching for something. When he saw me staring, he quickly pasted on a smile that I knew was fake. He wasn't going to let the scent thing go. I knew it.

"What is it?" I asked him curiously, as if I didn't know.

James pursed his lips as he regarded me carefully. He didn't want to set me off again, not when I was feeling gross. I'd throw something heavy at him for sure.

"Well love, I just wondered...who was it that you chatted with while you were out? I know it wasn't a human." He forced himself to laugh.

I didn't find it funny.

"Ah, yeah. So I assumed there was another vampire in our territory."

"Does this have a point to it?"

"Why don't you invite them over, Bella? I'd love to meet your new friend."

Oh hell no. That would not go well. And I knew that James just wanted to pummel the guy. He could sense that it had been a male; and a powerful one at that. They had more venom pumping through their veins.

"Look, I'm not up to any company right now. And it was just a random passerby. They were wondering what I was hunting animals for and I explained. Maybe I won them over." I shrugged.

"Yeah, to the dark side..." I heard James mutter.

I threw a pillow at him.

"Shut up." I giggled, feeling a little better.

James grinned at me, happy that I was in a better mood than previous.

That made me think. Maybe James had changed since he turned me. He could have been a totally different person a century ago. Whose to say that he isn't better now? I mean, for a long time I've placed my complete trust in him. I even believed that I loved him for a while. But Emmett didn't know any of these things. He might even think that James had kept me captive and I had went along with it.

I hoped he was smarter than that. If I had sensed something wrong, I would have bolted decades ago.

I continued to grin at him, keeping my thoughts off of my face.

"Hey, are you feeling better to...?" He raised a suggestive eyebrow at me.

Normally I would have laughed and accepted. James was a great guy before I knew all of this bad stuff about him.

Now I just froze.

"Isabella?" James' face was worried.

Crap. My lips must have literally gone blue. Stupid stupid vampire powers!

I shivered a little before I warmed myself up. I could act, sure, but my special gift was cooperating.

It might take longer than we had originally planned for me to escape.

Sorry Em. Sigh.

I let James wrap numerous blankets around me as I settled back into bed.

So far, I was using my sick excuse to get James to...what; have even more reason to be near and protective of me?

I was going about this all backwards!

My brow furrowed as I thought hard. What would get James out of the house...or at least away from me.

"Baby is there anything I can get you?"

Perfect.

"Will you...cough...will you get me some new books? I really think they'd help me pass the time while I'm confined to this room." I asked feebly, secretly proud of myself. The nearest bookstore? About a good two hour run. Haha.

James hesitated. I gave him my best warm brown doe eyes like I always did when I really wanted something. He caved every time.

And today was no different.

"OK Bella. I'll get them for you. It might take a while but I will be back. Just don't wander outside, alright? I want you safe." He kissed my forehead twice.

I made a silly face at him, briefly growing a pig's snout for effect.

"Vampire, remember? Even sick, I can take down anyone." I boasted as my face turned back to normal.

He had cracked a small smile at my antics but said no more. He understood that I would kick butt if the need arose. He was just being his usual overprotective, worried self. It sort of...reminded me of someone who used to do exactly that...

Maybe another key to my past had just clicked in place.

I watched from the door as James took off into the green landscape. The trip would keep him busy. He knew what I liked and was determined to get exactly that. Not to mention, he had to stop himself from every tasty smelling human who walked through the shop. But I knew he wouldn't attack. He tried to keep himself above that, playing with his food. He wasn't even hungry right now.

Still, I found myself crossing my fingers hoping that James would keep himself in line.

I breathed slowly through my nose, though I didn't need to, and trekked back to my bedroom. I was going to pack everything that had become dear to me. Then I would leave.

The packing took about twelve seconds, me being a slow poke. A part of me really didn't want to leave. I had grown up and lived here if you thought about it. It had been my home for as long as my vamp mind remembered.

_No Bella. This is all a lie. Your real home is with the people who love you...for real._

I wiped away a stupid tear as I tore out the door and through the woods. I would follow Emmett's directions, and mostly his smell, to the Cullen manor. He had told me not to be so shocked when I first saw it. No one had lived there for years although it was still in the Cullen name.

I gathered that I still would recognize it at first sight.

I was so nervous and excited as my feet carried me along at the fastest speed imaginable.

This was my new start.

I confess that I was more than freaking out about how I would handle this. Who wouldn't be?

But I was ready.

Lifting my head to the setting sun, I smiled. This was the start of a whole new journey.


End file.
